I was kind of a weird kid growing up.
I suppose this should come as no surprise, seeing as how I’ve become kind of a weird adult.
Unlike my sister, who remembers the exact dates of snow days, I don’t remember the day to day goings on of my childhood. I do have some specific stories that I remember well, though. And the more I think about it, the more I come up with. Some make me seem stranger than others…
- I loved the Wee Sing Sing-a-Long tapes growing up. One tape featured a song called “Sally’s Wearing a Red Dress” and every time it came on, I spazzed out until someone paused it for me. At which point I would run into my room, change into my red flannel nightgown and black patent leather shoes and come back out, singing along and changing Sally’s name to Jenny.
- One Christmas when I was about 4 and my sister was almost 2, I opened all my presents in a hurry, exclaiming “It’s just what I’ve always wanted!” after each one. I then proceeded to throw a fit because I thought my sister got more presents than I did because she was opening them at a fraction of the pace I did. I remember this mostly because we have it on video and it’s hilarious to watch.
- My first grade teacher once had to move my desk next to his because I wouldn’t stop talking to the kid who sat next to me. His name was Kory and I had a huge crush on him and he had a raging mullet. Luckily my 7 year old self had no idea what a mullet was.
- In second grade, my teacher had to call my parents in for a conference because I wrote a story about going on a date with an older boy and how romantic it was that he blew in my ear. I still get completely embarrassed every time I think about that and I have no idea where I got the idea that ear blowing was romantic.
- In third grade, it was my parents’ turn to call the school. A boy came into class one day and told everyone that he dreamt that me and Ollie “did it”. The boys in my class mocked me relentlessly for this, despite the fact that no one actually knew what “it” was. And of course, even at 9 years old, Ollie got off without any teasing whatsoever while I came home crying every day for a week.
- In middle school, my idea of flirting was to take advantage of hitting puberty before the boys did and challenging them to arm wrestling matches, which I won every time. This didn’t work so well once we got into 8th grade, but I was the muscle of the 6th grade.
- We went to Disney World when I was 8 years old. We were watching the fireworks at Magic Kingdom one night when I had to use the bathroom. My mother took me, and I ended up slamming my finger in the stall lock trying to get it to close. It was gross and bloody and I was crying and my mother told me to show it to her under the stall. So I did. Except not. I put my finger under the wrong side and showed some random stranger my mangled finger. I hope she wasn’t scarred for life by staring at some random kid’s disfigured finger while she peed.