but i will definitely be okay

I made a dinner reservation a couple months ago. A dinner reservation for two, at a fantastic restaurant, for February 14th.

My Valentine’s Day was spent at a bar, laughing and drinking with my other single friends.

I’ve been putting off writing this post for a while now. Maybe because I know that when I sit down to write I’m going to cry. Maybe it’s all I can do to hold myself together without having to acknowledge my feelings long enough to put them into public words. Maybe it’s because I know I don’t have the words to adequately convey my emotions. Either way, it’s not something anyone wants to write about.

A few weeks ago, Kyle and I broke up.

Like many relationships, it wasn’t an easy or simple decision. I won’t even try to explain it because I couldn’t do justice to either of our thought processes, and ultimately that’s not what’s important.

What is important is that we both know that we care about each other. That we love each other. And that now is not the right time for us.

When I moved to Atlanta, I made a promise to myself that I was going to make every effort to maintain my own identity. I didn’t want to rely on his social life to fulfill my needs because I needed my own support system, in case we didn’t work out. I think I did an okay job.

That being said, he was my rock. He was my emotional and social support system and he held me up more than he will ever know. When I was struggling with my job search, he reassured me in my abilities and never let me doubt myself. I leaned on him, a lot. And he was strong and gracious and amazing.

And slowly along the way, our lives tangled more. I didn’t keep in touch with old friends like I should have. He lost focus on his interests and passions. We turned to each other and for a while, that was enough.

But now it’s time for us to rediscover ourselves individually. It’s time for me to remember my own interests and hobbies and it’s time for me to focus on myself. And it’s his time to do the same.

It hasn’t been easy. It’s been heartbreaking, actually. Every time I fall asleep I miss his warmth next to me, and every time I wake up, I’m sad he’s not there. I try to remember that someone will fill his void, eventually. The extra toothbrush in the bathroom will belong to someone else, and someone else’s laundry will get mixed in with mine.

I know this, logically. But emotionally…it’s difficult to remember.

I think I speak for both of us when I say we feel lucky to have found each other and shared these past months. But for now I mourn. I reminisce about the good times and I appreciate the hell out of him for being part of my life. He is truly an amazing lover, man, and human being and I will never believe anything less.

I could fill pages and pages with my thoughts and feelings about everything that’s happened over the past few weeks. Maybe I’ll try to organize my mind and share it here. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll confide in you individually and hope that you forgo cliched advice and “you deserve better” one-liners in favor of just listening and offering a funny story to slow my racing thoughts.

Maybe I’ll do all or none of these things.

But I will definitely be okay.